Family to Family Adoptions Inc, Adoptive Families, Birth Mothers

Many of our families ask us how to start teaching their children about adoption during the toddler years.  Introducing the idea of adoption to a younger child can be challenging.  We have found that one of the best ways to start this process is by reading children’s books about adoption to them.  Here are a few books that we recommend:

“I Wished for You” by Marianne Richmond

1.)    “I Wished for You – an adoption story” by Marianne Richmond

2.)    “God Found Us You” by Lisa Tawn Bergren

3.)    “A Mother for Choco” by Keiko Kasza

These books are entertaining for young children and also expose children to the excitement and benefits of adoption.  If you have a book that you read to your toddler about adoption, we would love to hear from you. Please feel free to comment and leave the name of the book and the author. Happy Reading!

Last night as I was watching my favorite television show, Parenthood, I cringed as one of the dad’s on the show who has adopted a child was told “You are not my real dad!” If you don’t watch the show one of the couples is going through the adoption process. Their first attempt at an adoption was with a pregnant mother who decided to parent at the time of the birth. The couple has since adopted an older child, a son, and watching their struggles and attempts to bond with him are a pretty clear depiction of what most families go through especially when the adoptee is older. I wonder if one of the writer’s of this show has had a similar experience. This is not to say that all families go through the process like this but it is a good example of the differences and challenges of parenting an adopted child.

Attachment

Attachment can be the most difficult especially when adopting or fostering an older child. Most children in this situation have not had a stable home and may feel that your home will be the same. They will seem distant and may say things such as what this dad heard not to hurt you but to test you. They may not bond to you right away because they may just see your home as another temporary place. As an adoptive or foster parent you will want to reassure him/her and give them plenty of time and opportunity to tell you how they feel.

Understanding Grief and Loss

Another aspect of parenting an adopted a child is understanding the grief and loss issues for all members of the adoption triad. Birth families will grieve the loss of the child and the adopted child will be sad over the loss of their parents no matter what the circumstances are of why that child is no longer with his/her family. It is important for the adoptive family to talk openly with their children about their biological family and to maybe even facilitate a relationship with them if appropriate. This may be very hard for some adoptive parents but it is important for the adoptee. It is also important for adoptive parents to honor their agreement about future contacts with their child’s biological family for both the birth parents and your child.

Talking to Children About Adoption

Adoptive parents should also talk openly with their child about the adoption process in general. If you are planning to adopt the child in your home then communicating with them about your intent to adopt and explaining to them that adoption is a life-long process will provide the children in your home with a much needed security. Foster parents may only be a temporary parent for a child but while they are in your home you want to make a positive and loving impact on that child while he/she is with you so communicate openly with them and give them a safe place to express their feelings.

There are many online resources and trainings for adoptive and foster parents on parenting an adopted child. Family to Family offers trainings for both adoptive families and foster parents on parenting and many other aspects of the adoption process. Please feel free to contact us with any questions or if you have an interest in adopting or fostering a child.

We adopted our oldest son, Jonah, just over three years ago at his birth.  When Jonah was eighteen months old, my husband Harris and I were just a couple of months away from beginning the home study to adopt our second child when we were astounded to learn that I was pregnant.   Jonah watched as my belly grew, he felt the baby moving around in my tummy, and he understood that his little brother was in there.  Our second child was born when Jonah was twenty-seven months old.

Just before he turned three, he asked me, “Mama, where do I come from?”  So I told him, not for the first time, that he was born in Texas, just like me.  He was quiet for a minute and then he said, “But Mama, who was there?”  We’ve talked about adoption a lot and we’ve read many kids’ books about adoption, so he knows the general idea, but this was the first time that he expressed an understanding that he’s adopted.   Here’s what I told him:

You remember that before you were born, Daddy and I didn’t have a baby and I was so sad because I really, really wanted a baby to love.  You know that I cried every day because I needed a baby so bad.  Well, there was a lady in Texas who had a baby growing in her tummy – that baby was you.  One day that lady called me and said, “I understand that you want to be a mommy.  I have a baby growing in my tummy and I want you to be his mommy.  But you have to promise to love him and take good care of him.”  So I promised her that Daddy and I would love you and take good care of you and that I would be your mommy and that Daddy would be your daddy.  So Daddy and I went to Texas and we talked to the lady and the next day, we all went to the hospital and you were born.

That seemed to satisfy him for a while.  Then yesterday in the car, he brought it up again.  This time, he started with, “Mama, how do they make cows?”  I clarified, “Do you mean, ‘where do baby cows come from?’  Baby cows grow inside the mama cows’ tummies, just like people do.”  Jonah said, also not for the first time, “I growed in your tummy!”   I gently told him, “No, remember, you grew in another lady’s tummy and then I got to be your mommy.”  Because Jonah’s birth mother is so wonderful, I also was able to tell him that when he was in J.’s tummy, I saw him moving around and I felt him kicking and pushing on her just like he saw and felt his little brother pushing on me from the inside.

Without batting an eye, my little boy said, “And when I was in your tummy, I hugged you.”

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I’m learning that for a three year-old, the line between reality and magic is very fine– the world is like a fairy tale.  In my son’s three year-old mind and heart, he knows that he grew in someone else’s tummy, but he also knows that he was hugging me before he was born.  I plan to make sure that he always knows both of those things.

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Talking to children about adoption adds to their understanding of the world, whether they are adopted or not. This kind of conversation can be a great gift to your child. Even a simple outline of the adoption process can open their eyes to new thoughts about relationships in their lives.

In doing home studies and post placements over the years for adoptive families, there is one topic that comes up frequently. It does not matter if you adopted internationally or domestically or even did a private adoption, more than likely you will hear the question “Is your child adopted?” You might hear it from a friend, a parent or teacher at your child’s school, or maybe even from a complete stranger in the grocery store. The best thing that you can do for you and your child is to be prepared for when this happens. Here are a few tips on how to handle this situation if and when it occurs.

First you need to have a response prepared so that you don’t say something you might not want to. For example, a simple “yes” will work but then you might be asking for more questions. You could say “she is my daughter and it does not matter how she became that way” or “he is adopted and we are so glad he is our son.” You can have responses prepared for if your child is in ear shot or not.

 In reading this I bet you are thinking that it really is not anyone’s business if your child is adopted or not. It may not be that the person asking the question is nosey but just that they are curious or maybe even thinking about adoption themselves. Some people do not think about how what they say especially in front of your child will have any repercussions. I should mention here that if you have talked with your child about adoption and shared their story with them then when and if this situation happens your child will be prepared as well. Making sure you answer this question with a calm tone and not a “that is not your business” response sets a good example for your child and does not make a scene.

 Another tip is to be sure and use positive adoption language. It is important that the person that asks the question realize that in your response that adoption is not seen negatively but as a wonderful process. Remember that your child might be listening. An adoptive family once told me that when they were approached with this question, their son answered before they could and he said “I grew in my birthmother’s tummy and she loved me but now I live with my mom and dad and they love me and take care of me.” This is a great example of a family that has talked with their child about adoption and they have been open with him about how he became a part of their family.

Know that the questions may not stop here. You might get asked all sorts of questions so having responses prepared in advance will help you and not catch you off guard. Have you had this happen and if so what did you say? We would love to have you share your comments and suggestions on responses for other adoptive families and please contact us if you have any questions.

Have you thought of what you will tell your child when he/she asks about being adopted? Have you thought about how you will explain to your child the process of adoption and what it means to be adopted? I was faced with this question from my six year old daughter this week. A new article titled “Talking With Your Child About Adoption” was added to the site regarding this and I hope you find it helpful. I look forward to any comments or ideas on how you have talked with your child about adoption.

This week your challenge is to talk to your child about their adoption journey.  Tell them their story, show them pictures of their birthparents or buy an age appropriate book about adoption to read to your child. For more information on how to talk with your child about adoption please email Jennifer@fam2fam.org.

The next Adoptive Family Training will be held at our office on May 16, 2009 from 10 AM to 2 PM. Please send questions or RSVP to jennifer@fam2fam.org if you would like to attend. This is a required class for all of our newly contracted adoptive families. Space is filling fast. Topics covered include establishing relationships with your birth parents, how to talk with your chid about adoption, Life Books, and other related adoption questions and information.

Whether you are adopting from foster care, domestically or internationally, each adopted child can benefit from a LifeBook. A LifeBook is simply is a record of an adoptee’s life that uses words, photos, your child’s art, computer graphics and/or memorabilia to tell his story. A LifeBook is more than the story of your child’s adoption, it is a unique opportunity for you to creatively honor every minute of your child’s life. It can make talking about adoption feel like everyday conversation. Adopted children often have secret thoughts about why they were adopted. Many believe that somehow they were responsible for the separation from their birthfamily. A LifeBook helps to reduce ‘magical thinking and fantasy’ about their life and adoption. This frees them up to pay better attention in school or to be more available to focus on talents and interests. Get creative! There are software companies on the internet now that allow you to create a book with your own pictures, graphics and narratives for a small amount of money. If you don’t want to do this through software, a hand written book held together with pretty ribbons can be special to your child. Limits to your imagination is the only thing stopping you from honoring your child’s past, present and future.