Family to Family Adoptions Inc, Adoptive Families, Birth Mothers

This Sunday, May 13, 2012, most everyone will be celebrating Mother’s Day. Maybe you are a mother yourself or you will be honoring your mother on this very special holiday. What most people don’t realize is that the day before on Saturday, May 12, 2012 there will be birthmothers everywhere that have lovingly placed their children for adoption who will be remembering and honoring their children. Birthmother’s Day is not on our calendars and most people don’t even know that this day exists. It was started by a group of Seattle birthmothers and the first gathering was in 1990. This day has been going on for quite some time yet it is not a day known by many. If you have adopted a child or if you have placed a child or are an adoption professional, you may know about this very special day or you may not. Hopefully this blog post will reach many people and there will be more awareness for Birthmother’s Day this Saturday and in the future.

So as you honor your mother and the women in your life this Sunday, please take some time on Saturday to honor your biological mother and all the other mothers who have sacrificed their own feelings and with an abundance amount of love have allowed so many other women to celebrate Mother’s Day. Honor her on Saturday in some way by sending a note or pictures and if you no longer have contact with your child’s biological mother then honor her by taking out your child’s Lifebook or pictures and talking about her with your child.  I want to take this time to personally thank all of the birthmothers who have placed through our agency for your unselfishness and love that you gave to your child. I know I can speak for our staff and our adoptive families when I sincerely say Thank You! Happy Birthmother’s Day from all of us at Family to Family!

The relinquishment process in adoption raises lots of questions for both adoptive families and biological parents.  Alot of confusion from this topic stems from the different kinds of adoptions. One concern we hear frequently from adoptive families is if the biological parent can return months or years after the adoption and reclaim their child.  There is alot of fear on the adoptive parents part and why some families choose to do international adoption instead of a domestic adoption. In the State of Texas, if you adopt through a private licensed child-placing agency such as Family to Family Adoptions, relinquishments are signed by a biological parent no more than 48 hours after the birth of the baby. Once these voluntary relinquishments are signed they are irrovacable. These standards are for the State of Texas and private licensed agencies and vary from state to state. Most people who fear that this might happen have heard from someone else that it happened to their family or they know someone it happened to. It is important to remember and understand that the relinquishment process can be different for the foster care system, if the adoption is done through an attorney, and if the biological parents did not relinquish their parental rights but instead granted custody to a family member or friend.  If you have concerns or questions about the relinquishment process the best person to get the information from is the adoption professional. We will answer any and all questions regarding this process and hope to alleviate any concerns or fears you have regarding relinquishments. Please contact our agency for further clarification or if you have additional questions regarding relinquishments or the adoption process in general.

From time to time, we hear from people that we have worked with, and we like to pass that communication along to share with others who find themselves in similar situations. We recently got the following messages from Sydney, who we worked with some time ago to help her with her situation. Her first message talks about how she experienced her first contact with us. The second one is from a later period in her life, when she is looking back on how things have changed for her and her family.

I first contacted Fam2Fam in 2002- I was pregnant, alone & scared. Already a mother of a 2yr old son & struggling to make ends meet at age 21. I called the number, explained my situation & expected to hear the stranger on the other end of the phone to hang-up or at least laugh. But she sympathized, she listened & understood. Reassured me everything was going to be alright, and that she was there to listen and help me.

H E L P.. Because that’s what I needed! Nobody knew the details of my story or the situation I was in, But these ladies on the other end of the phone were willing to HELP me. And as the conversation went on, I felt the weight lifting off my shoulders & suddenly things seemed like they were going to be O.K.

… and here is the second note,

I placed a child for adoption, with a family in 2002. I was young and already a single mother of a 2yr old son. A lot of questions went through my head during the process about what will my son think when he gets old enough to wonder and ask questions. Here it is 2012, and not only does my son know about the adoption process and well aware of his biological brother –but they have a relationship. They stay in touch through Facebook, emails, phone calls and the occasional gifts on holidays/birthdays. We were blessed to have chosen a family that also kept their son they adopted aware of us, his biological family and the adoption in general. We have spent family vacations together and shared several laughs. It is truly a wonderful relationship. We get to watch as they each grow up & share their experiences. And although raised in two different parts of the country and in different settings, they both share such similarities. The way they giggle, the sports they enjoy, even the foods they eat.. They have that brotherly connection and always will.

My experience with Family 2 Family is almost a fairy-tale one, I was treated with the up most respect & care and never once felt obligated or pressured into the adoption. When asked about my 2cents worth- I say sit down & get comfy, because ive got a plenty of positive comments about Adoption & Family 2 Family!

We are so happy when we get notes like this because it shows us that the effort and care that we put into every situation we encounter really does pay off and make a difference in the lives that we touch.

If placing a child is something you are considering, read over some of the points you should think about to see if adoption is right for you. We also provide information on the birth mother process, and, as you can see from Sydney’s story, we are happy to talk with you on the phone to help you understand what we can do to help you.

you can write to us through our website or call and let’s talk

1-800-385-6301

At this time our internet is not working. It appears as though it will be down starting today and through the weekend. We are told that it will be back up by Tuesday at 8 AM. We apologize that we cannot receive any emails or inquiries from our website at this time. Please contact our office at 281-342-4042 if you need any assistance or have any questions about our programs. Thank you.

We recently received a very rewarding note from a new couple looking for an opportunity to build their family. This is how the email message began (names and location have been changed to protect privacy):

“My name is Sharon, and I am good friends with Joe and his partner, Bill, from Atlanta. They adopted Chalon from you 18 months ago, and have not stopped raving about your agency!”

This is the kind of thing we love to see when we open our mailbox in the morning! It tells us that we have achieved a successful placement for a couple who needs help in creating the kind of family they want, and that we have found a home for a child who might otherwise have a very uncertain future.

We are proud of our position that no one should be restricted from adoption solely due to age, religion, income or sexual orientation. We are also very pleased that our clients have been so happy with our services and support that they talk to their friends about us to spread the word. There is no better recommendation than one from someone who has worked with you to accomplish their goals! Fortunately, we have received numerous testimonials from such people in the past.

If you are a Mother looking for a placement for your child, look at our description of birthmother services to see whether we might be the right fit for your situation and your child.

One important part of the adoption process is establishing a plan of contact after the baby is placed with the adoptive family. Both the biological family and the adoptive family agree on the amount of contact that both parties are comfortable with and an adoption plan is signed with the agency. Family to Family’s minimum required amount of contact of the adoptive family is to send pictures and letters of update to the biological family through our agency every 3 months for the first year and twice a year after that until the child is 18 years old. Some adoptive families and the biological family have a more open adoption and agree to more contact or have a different arrangement other than what is required of Family to Family.

The agency encourages biological families to send pictures and letters of update as well. This is also important for the adoptee.  The adoptive family should keep these photos and updates in a special place for the adopted child to give to them when the timing is right. However most biological families lose contact with the agency and the adoptive family after placement.

Losing contact with your child’s biological family can be sad not only for the child but also for the adoptive family. One of our previous adoptive mother’s recently wrote a blog about how she did not realize how affected she would be when they lost contact with their child’s family. She describes her feelings and her concerns over losing this contact.

It is also equally important for adoptive families to uphold their agreement and to send pictures and updates to the agency.  The biological family trusts you to do this when she chooses you as the adoptive parent of her child and she has made your desire of becoming a parent possible by making an adoption plan.  Sending these pictures and letters as agreed shows the biological mother how grateful you are as well as it ensures her that she made the right decision for her child not only by placing but by choosing you as the parents.

If the agency or you as the adoptive family lose contact with your child’s biological family, Family to Family encourages you to continue sending these updates and photos to us. We will keep them and send them to her when and if the biological family makes contact again.

When you opt for private infant adoption, your process may be a little different than if you were going through international placement or placement from foster care, but the emotional roll-a-coaster effect is still present. In foster care placement as well as international placement, after you have qualified, had your home study, processed all of the paperwork, then usually a child will be ‘referred’ to you for placement. Naturally, you have the right to refuse a referral, but the average person doesn’t. In private infant adoption, the birth mother and/or birth father choose the adoptive family.

Today, almost all birth mothers want a semi-open or open adoption rather than a closed adoption with the adoptive family. Because of today’s recommended best practices, almost all agencies allow the birth mother to choose the family she wants as parents for her baby. Studies by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in Washington D.C. have shown that the more open the adoption, the better it is for the adoptee, the birth family and the adoptive parents as well. That is a hard concept to get your mind around when you are rebounding from years of failed infertility treatments and you have watched too many ‘adoption stories’ on the Lifetime Channel. But it is true.

Most adoptions are completed without any problems and the adoptive family and birth family forge a real bond and a lifelong relationship. However, you don’t know how your process will proceed when you begin this challenging and emotional experience. I recommend that you opt for a semi-open adoption to begin with and leave the door open for a more open adoption if it is possible. A semi-open adoption is one in which you meet the birth family and are given an opportunity to develop a close bond and relationship with each other and attend the birth of your child. This type of relationship may include your extended family as well as the birth family’s extended family. The difference in this type of adoption and a fully open adoption is no identifying information is exchanged by the parties. I hope and pray that you will wind up with an open adoption in which you and the birth family have exchanged identifying information and are contacting each other directly and maybe even meeting periodically so your child and any siblings can learn about each other. But you don’t know if that is possible in the beginning of the relationship. The openness of your adoption can be increased as time goes on.

In our agency, a full 25% of our adoptive families and birth families have opened their adoption to include the exchange of last names and identifying information by the actual birth of the child. In most of those cases, the birth mother puts the name the adoptive family has chosen for the child as well as their last name on the baby’s birth certificate. In many cases, the adoptive family and their extended family members as well as the birth family and their extended family members are present at the birth and spend hours or days together making memories for the sake of the child they all love.

Even if they don’t have a fully open adoption from birth, another 20% of our adoptive families are able to grow their relationship with the birth family into a fully open relationship within the first two or three years. So our anecdotal experience is that roughly ½ of our placements are fully open eventually. This is not perfect, but we feel that it respects the needs and wishes of all parties involved.

If a mother matches with a family and is unable to make that attachment and bond with them for some reason, she may ask for a rematch. Also, we have families who for one reason or another have agreed to a match under circumstances in which they find impossible to continue and have asked for a rematch. Our agency believes that you and the birth mother are the only people who have a right to make decisions about what type of an adoption you want. Occasionally, a mismatch will happen. That is fine. We will be glad to rematch both parties, because this adoption is about them and the baby, not our agency or our time line constraints or our cash flow or our ego. It’s about you as the parents, both biological and adoptive, and most importantly the child.

The scenario I have described is a wonderful process to watch from the outside as well as to live from the inside. The only way to achieve this type of adoption is to take time with the decision making process. Don’t be rushed into a decision and don’t be afraid to voice concerns about the situation. My experience tells me that if you are having concerns about the birth mother and the openness of the adoption, then she is too. When both parties are participating in the type of adoption and placement that they need and want, then very little else can go wrong.

Discover the Benefits of Adoption and how you can provide your child with the American Dream and fulfill your goals too.  To help you learn more about the benefits of adoption we will send you our Unplanned Pregnancy packet.  You are under no obligation and you will learn the answers to your many questions, solutions to your unplanned pregnancy, information about financial assistance during this traumatic time in your life and give you access to our caring counselors.

 You choose the family as parents for your child from our waiting families who have been thoroughly screened for criminal and child abuse history and who have been recommended for adoption by a social worker.

We help you with the process of placing your child for adoption when you are sure that adoption is the right choice for you and your child.  We offer free birth mother services with independent housing while pregnant if needed.  In addition, we offer life time counseling and support after placement and help to find good pre-natal care during this unplanned pregnancy.

 We believe that placing your child for adoption when you are not able to provide for him is a heroic act of selflessness.  We understand how courageous you are for making an adoption plan for an unplanned pregnancy and respect your rights as a parent.  Call 1-800-385-6301 and let us help you today.

Family to Family Adoptions has been placing babies for ten years and has completed over 250 adoptions, both international and domestic. Each adoption placement is different but one thing that remains true is that the process can be emotional for both the adoptive parents and the birth parents. This past year, Family to Family implemented a required training class for all adoptive families signing on to adopt through our agency. These training courses are designed to guide adoptive families through the various stages of the adoption process and help ease some of the emotions. One of the topics we cover at this training is using positive adoption language throughout the process including before, during and after placement.

 Using positive adoption language will not only assist in making both the adoptive family and the birth family more comfortable but will also aid with many misconceptions that are related to adoption. For example, saying a birthparent is going to “terminate their parental rights” is considered a positive term whereas “giving up a child” is a negative term. Birth parents decide to make adoption plans for their child because they love their child and to say that they are giving a child away places judgment on a biological parent. Another way of saying this would be to “make an adoption plan” versus “give away”. On the flip side of that, a birthparent that changes their mind about placing a child decides “to parent” instead of she decides to “keep” the baby.  It is also more appropriate to say “birthparent” or “biological family” instead of saying they are the “real parent”.  If you would like a list of the terms we use in our training course, please contact Family to Family or you can find some listed at www.adoptivefamilies.com. You can also view more of these terms on this blog, Using Postive Adoption Language.

 There are many other terms and phrases related to the adoption process but I hope that this just gives you a place to start thinking about how you will use positive adoption language in your adoption process. I also encourage you to discuss the idea of using positive language with your extended family and friends as well as your child. This is very important to ensure that your child sees their adoption story in a constructive light as well as it can help alleviate the common misconceptions of adoption and spread a more optimistic view on adoption in general. If you have questions about positive versus negative terms please contact us.  I also encourage you to share, by leaving a comment to this post, some terms that you use in your family or used during your adoption process as well as please feel free to list any negative terms or phrases that you have heard people say about adoption. Keep an eye on this blog for how to address negative terms and phrases and misconceptions on the adoption process.

We just received a nice “Thank You” from one of the grantees helped by our program. We often get such testimonials from our clients and we always appreciate hearing how we have helped someone.

In this case, our client did not use our services to place her baby, but she did qualify for the education grant that we make available. This is only a small example of the various kinds of support we can offer to our birth mother clients.