Family to Family Adoptions Inc, Adoptive Families, Birth Mothers

In doing home studies and post placements over the years for adoptive families, there is one topic that comes up frequently. It does not matter if you adopted internationally or domestically or even did a private adoption, more than likely you will hear the question “Is your child adopted?” You might hear it from a friend, a parent or teacher at your child’s school, or maybe even from a complete stranger in the grocery store. The best thing that you can do for you and your child is to be prepared for when this happens. Here are a few tips on how to handle this situation if and when it occurs.

First you need to have a response prepared so that you don’t say something you might not want to. For example, a simple “yes” will work but then you might be asking for more questions. You could say “she is my daughter and it does not matter how she became that way” or “he is adopted and we are so glad he is our son.” You can have responses prepared for if your child is in ear shot or not.

 In reading this I bet you are thinking that it really is not anyone’s business if your child is adopted or not. It may not be that the person asking the question is nosey but just that they are curious or maybe even thinking about adoption themselves. Some people do not think about how what they say especially in front of your child will have any repercussions. I should mention here that if you have talked with your child about adoption and shared their story with them then when and if this situation happens your child will be prepared as well. Making sure you answer this question with a calm tone and not a “that is not your business” response sets a good example for your child and does not make a scene.

 Another tip is to be sure and use positive adoption language. It is important that the person that asks the question realize that in your response that adoption is not seen negatively but as a wonderful process. Remember that your child might be listening. An adoptive family once told me that when they were approached with this question, their son answered before they could and he said “I grew in my birthmother’s tummy and she loved me but now I live with my mom and dad and they love me and take care of me.” This is a great example of a family that has talked with their child about adoption and they have been open with him about how he became a part of their family.

Know that the questions may not stop here. You might get asked all sorts of questions so having responses prepared in advance will help you and not catch you off guard. Have you had this happen and if so what did you say? We would love to have you share your comments and suggestions on responses for other adoptive families and please contact us if you have any questions.

One important part of the adoption process is establishing a plan of contact after the baby is placed with the adoptive family. Both the biological family and the adoptive family agree on the amount of contact that both parties are comfortable with and an adoption plan is signed with the agency. Family to Family’s minimum required amount of contact of the adoptive family is to send pictures and letters of update to the biological family through our agency every 3 months for the first year and twice a year after that until the child is 18 years old. Some adoptive families and the biological family have a more open adoption and agree to more contact or have a different arrangement other than what is required of Family to Family.

The agency encourages biological families to send pictures and letters of update as well. This is also important for the adoptee.  The adoptive family should keep these photos and updates in a special place for the adopted child to give to them when the timing is right. However most biological families lose contact with the agency and the adoptive family after placement.

Losing contact with your child’s biological family can be sad not only for the child but also for the adoptive family. One of our previous adoptive mother’s recently wrote a blog about how she did not realize how affected she would be when they lost contact with their child’s family. She describes her feelings and her concerns over losing this contact.

It is also equally important for adoptive families to uphold their agreement and to send pictures and updates to the agency.  The biological family trusts you to do this when she chooses you as the adoptive parent of her child and she has made your desire of becoming a parent possible by making an adoption plan.  Sending these pictures and letters as agreed shows the biological mother how grateful you are as well as it ensures her that she made the right decision for her child not only by placing but by choosing you as the parents.

If the agency or you as the adoptive family lose contact with your child’s biological family, Family to Family encourages you to continue sending these updates and photos to us. We will keep them and send them to her when and if the biological family makes contact again.

When you opt for private infant adoption, your process may be a little different than if you were going through international placement or placement from foster care, but the emotional roll-a-coaster effect is still present. In foster care placement as well as international placement, after you have qualified, had your home study, processed all of the paperwork, then usually a child will be ‘referred’ to you for placement. Naturally, you have the right to refuse a referral, but the average person doesn’t. In private infant adoption, the birth mother and/or birth father choose the adoptive family.

Today, almost all birth mothers want a semi-open or open adoption rather than a closed adoption with the adoptive family. Because of today’s recommended best practices, almost all agencies allow the birth mother to choose the family she wants as parents for her baby. Studies by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in Washington D.C. have shown that the more open the adoption, the better it is for the adoptee, the birth family and the adoptive parents as well. That is a hard concept to get your mind around when you are rebounding from years of failed infertility treatments and you have watched too many ‘adoption stories’ on the Lifetime Channel. But it is true.

Most adoptions are completed without any problems and the adoptive family and birth family forge a real bond and a lifelong relationship. However, you don’t know how your process will proceed when you begin this challenging and emotional experience. I recommend that you opt for a semi-open adoption to begin with and leave the door open for a more open adoption if it is possible. A semi-open adoption is one in which you meet the birth family and are given an opportunity to develop a close bond and relationship with each other and attend the birth of your child. This type of relationship may include your extended family as well as the birth family’s extended family. The difference in this type of adoption and a fully open adoption is no identifying information is exchanged by the parties. I hope and pray that you will wind up with an open adoption in which you and the birth family have exchanged identifying information and are contacting each other directly and maybe even meeting periodically so your child and any siblings can learn about each other. But you don’t know if that is possible in the beginning of the relationship. The openness of your adoption can be increased as time goes on.

In our agency, a full 25% of our adoptive families and birth families have opened their adoption to include the exchange of last names and identifying information by the actual birth of the child. In most of those cases, the birth mother puts the name the adoptive family has chosen for the child as well as their last name on the baby’s birth certificate. In many cases, the adoptive family and their extended family members as well as the birth family and their extended family members are present at the birth and spend hours or days together making memories for the sake of the child they all love.

Even if they don’t have a fully open adoption from birth, another 20% of our adoptive families are able to grow their relationship with the birth family into a fully open relationship within the first two or three years. So our anecdotal experience is that roughly ½ of our placements are fully open eventually. This is not perfect, but we feel that it respects the needs and wishes of all parties involved.

If a mother matches with a family and is unable to make that attachment and bond with them for some reason, she may ask for a rematch. Also, we have families who for one reason or another have agreed to a match under circumstances in which they find impossible to continue and have asked for a rematch. Our agency believes that you and the birth mother are the only people who have a right to make decisions about what type of an adoption you want. Occasionally, a mismatch will happen. That is fine. We will be glad to rematch both parties, because this adoption is about them and the baby, not our agency or our time line constraints or our cash flow or our ego. It’s about you as the parents, both biological and adoptive, and most importantly the child.

The scenario I have described is a wonderful process to watch from the outside as well as to live from the inside. The only way to achieve this type of adoption is to take time with the decision making process. Don’t be rushed into a decision and don’t be afraid to voice concerns about the situation. My experience tells me that if you are having concerns about the birth mother and the openness of the adoption, then she is too. When both parties are participating in the type of adoption and placement that they need and want, then very little else can go wrong.

Have you thought of what you will tell your child when he/she asks about being adopted? Have you thought about how you will explain to your child the process of adoption and what it means to be adopted? I was faced with this question from my six year old daughter this week. A new article titled “Talking With Your Child About Adoption” was added to the site regarding this and I hope you find it helpful. I look forward to any comments or ideas on how you have talked with your child about adoption.

Family to Family Adoptions has been placing babies for ten years and has completed over 250 adoptions, both international and domestic. Each adoption placement is different but one thing that remains true is that the process can be emotional for both the adoptive parents and the birth parents. This past year, Family to Family implemented a required training class for all adoptive families signing on to adopt through our agency. These training courses are designed to guide adoptive families through the various stages of the adoption process and help ease some of the emotions. One of the topics we cover at this training is using positive adoption language throughout the process including before, during and after placement.

 Using positive adoption language will not only assist in making both the adoptive family and the birth family more comfortable but will also aid with many misconceptions that are related to adoption. For example, saying a birthparent is going to “terminate their parental rights” is considered a positive term whereas “giving up a child” is a negative term. Birth parents decide to make adoption plans for their child because they love their child and to say that they are giving a child away places judgment on a biological parent. Another way of saying this would be to “make an adoption plan” versus “give away”. On the flip side of that, a birthparent that changes their mind about placing a child decides “to parent” instead of she decides to “keep” the baby.  It is also more appropriate to say “birthparent” or “biological family” instead of saying they are the “real parent”.  If you would like a list of the terms we use in our training course, please contact Family to Family or you can find some listed at www.adoptivefamilies.com. You can also view more of these terms on this blog, Using Postive Adoption Language.

 There are many other terms and phrases related to the adoption process but I hope that this just gives you a place to start thinking about how you will use positive adoption language in your adoption process. I also encourage you to discuss the idea of using positive language with your extended family and friends as well as your child. This is very important to ensure that your child sees their adoption story in a constructive light as well as it can help alleviate the common misconceptions of adoption and spread a more optimistic view on adoption in general. If you have questions about positive versus negative terms please contact us.  I also encourage you to share, by leaving a comment to this post, some terms that you use in your family or used during your adoption process as well as please feel free to list any negative terms or phrases that you have heard people say about adoption. Keep an eye on this blog for how to address negative terms and phrases and misconceptions on the adoption process.

From time to time, we come across references to our services on the web where people are talking about us. We recently found a post on another blog, in response to a question on that blog, that referred to our services. Here is the response, just as posted on the site:

“My husband and I have a daughter that we adopted through an adoption agency calledFamily To Family Adoptions Inc. they were wonderful to work through.

We had already completed our homestudy through an independant agent. With a homestudy they do background checks, ask you and your spouse lots of questions, make sure your house meets safety standards.

Once we called the agency we filled out an application, and they then presented out to expecting mothers. Once one of the mothers picked us, we were and waited for our daughter to be born. However, we only waited a week, because her birthmother was at the end of her pregnancy.

With the profile, it will consist of a letter you write to the birthmother, it is called the Dear Birthmother. There will also be pictures of you and your family, maybe your house, pets, etc.  This profile needs to help the birthmother know you just by reading it.

In some cases the birthmother will want to meet before the birth, sometimes birthmother will never want to meet you.

FOSTER CARE

To become foster parents you need to take a course provided by the state to receive a liscense. In many states this course is called PRIDE Classes. Parents Resources for Information, Development, and Education. There will be between 30-35 hours of class time plus homework. The state will then have a homestudy done for you the same way you would for the adoption agency.

Once everything is cleared they will send you your liscense and you will be able to start fostering. With the time your case worker is with you you will have figured out how many children you can care for and what ages you would like to work with.

Adoptions prices can be $ 17000 to $ 30000

There will almost always be an aplication fee but NEVER pay more that $ 500 for that fee.

Our adoption cost was about $ 17000 to the agency, then about $ 700 for lawyer fees to finalize the adoption.

Foster care just cost the time you invest in it. We are also starting the adoption process through foster care and that is just going to cost lawyer fees for finalization.

Our adoption agency is Family To Family Adoptions Inc and their website is fam2fam.org or phone number 281-342-4042

Good Luck!”

This is the unedited posting. We chose to re-post it because it is one of several responses to the question and is a little hard to find on the other blog.

Once you are approved to adopt a child the next step is to create your adoption family profile. There are usually lots of questions on how to do this and what should be included.  Whether you choose to create your family profile on paper or use some scrapbooking software or online photoshop, we have added an article to our website filled with tips and ideas on topics that are commonly used and areas of interest for birthmothers.  You can follow these tips and guidelines to creating your profile or complete it the way you prefer.  Use our checklist as a guide, but be yourself and have fun doing this, remembering that one day you will share this profile with your adopted child.

We always place great emphasis on making our clients feel as comfortable with us and the adoption process as we possibly can. It is rewarding to us when our clients express their thanks in notes to us about their experience. We have posted a few of the notes we have received over the years on our site as “Testimonials from Adoptive Families” and “Testimonials from Birthmothers“.

For any families that adopt or have adopted a child after September 1, 2010, there are new post placement requirements for your family if you plan to finalize your adoption in the State of Texas. We are now required to have five face to face visits before the consent to adopt can be signed. One of these visits must be in your home and at least three of these have to have all family members present. Families that adopted before September 1, 2010, please contact your social worker to schedule these visits and discuss any questions you may have regarding the change. A new payment scale has been implemented for home study and post placement visits through our agency. Please email Jennifer at jennifer@fam2fam.org with any concerns or questions regarding the new post placement requirements.

The office will be closed starting at noon on Thursday, December 23rd and will be closed all day on Friday, December 24th. The office will also be closed on Friday, December 31st so that the staff can celebrate the holidays with their families. Thank you and Happy Holidays from all of our staff!