Family to Family Adoptions Inc, Adoptive Families, Birth Mothers

Becoming a parent is a huge adjustment, no matter how you become a parent. Amy Rogers Nazarov, in an article on Slate.com, writes about her experience with post-adoption depression.  She likens it to post-partum depression, but without having delivered a baby.  It turns out that the stresses and anxieties of parenting a baby, biological or adopted, can trigger a mother’s depression.

Fortunately for me, this is not my story, but I can identify with many of the things she writes in this article. Just a couple:

1)      Adoptive parents are New Parents: even though they didn’t experience the pregnancy, delivery, and post-partum recovery associated with the new baby, they still have all of the sleep-loss, anxiety, cluelessness, re-orientation, and total life upended-ness that any other new parent experiences.

2)      New adoptive parents need the same support, encouragement, hot meals, and time away from other responsibilities to care for that new child, whether it’s a newborn or an older child.

If you are a newly adoptive parent, don’t underestimate what an enormous change you’ve undertaken and don’t discount how difficult the transition can be.  You are a New Parent.  Whether you birthed your baby or someone else did, remember to take care of yourself.  Your baby needs you.

A few weeks ago at a dinner with a group of clients who had traveled from out of state for a week-long meeting, I ended up sitting next to a woman whom I’d never met.  As dinner got started and she and I were talking, she apologized for checking her phone every couple of minutes.

 “I’m so sorry,” she said, “but my husband and I have been in the adoption process for three years and just two days ago, we met a birth mom and we matched!”   I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have just met this person at such an exciting and vulnerable point in her life.  I eagerly listened to her story, pumping her for details by sharing some of our family’s story.  She and her husband had just about given up hope (how many times had I been there?!) when this birth mom asked to meet them and then asked them to raise her baby, which was due to be born in less than three weeks.  My new friend wasn’t quite sure what to feel – after waiting for her baby for so long, she was afraid to hope, yet she couldn’t help herself.  While I tried to be sensitive to her need to keep her emotions at bay, my excitement spilled over as she told me her story and that of the baby’s birth mother.  By the end of that dinner, I’d made a new friend for life.

The next day as we attended meetings together, I rode shotgun on her emotional roller coaster and we talked about our families and about babies through the end of dinner the second day of our meetings.  Sharing all of these moments with her took me straight back to the weeks before our oldest son was born and I got to relive for my friend the moment that the nurse placed our son in my arms and said, “Here is your baby.”  I also relived every moment that I got to spend with my son’s birth mother and appreciated again what a strong, smart, brave woman she was.

All of this happened, coincidentally, the week before our oldest son’s fifth birthday.  Since my new friend had to stay in town over the weekend (away from her husband, who was at home, anxiously prepping the nursery), she graciously agreed to join us for his birthday party at a moon bounce gym with twenty other five year-old boys.  It was such an honor to be able to show her what our family had become in five years and to give her a glimpse of what her family might be doing five years from now.

As I write this post, my friend’s baby is due to be born in three days.  The baby’s birth mother has invited my friend to be in the delivery room with her and I’m anxiously awaiting the news that they are headed to the hospital.  My friend texted me today, “So close to the finish line… We are happy and we are terrified!” 

That sounds just like a new mom to me.

Written by Adoptive Mother, Kate

The process of adoption and the biological family choosing the adoptive family for their child and placing their child with them is the most obvious reason of our agency name. The agency also has a smaller client base and we know each one of our families, both biological and adoptive, and their expectations and needs of the adoption process. We feel that adoptive families and birth parents should feel connected to the staff and the adoption process and not feel like a number on a waiting list. Our relationship with our families extends beyond the placement and routinely we receive email, visits and pictures with updates and are able to see how the adoptive families and children as well as the birth families are doing for years after placement. We also look forward every year to our Annual Adoptive Family Picnic in the Fall where our families and adopted children come together to meet, catch up and have some fun. As an agency we always say that our biggest compliment is when an adoptive family or a birth family choose to work with us again or refer someone to the agency.

However, the agency staff feels like there is another meaning behind the name. Since the inception of the agency in 2001 the Family to Family staff has been working together.  We are not just coworkers that show up for a job every day but we are our own little family. We have been there for each other through births of our children and grandchildren, marriages, loss of family and coworkers and many other life experiences. Most of our families have shared in these experiences with us because of the relationship we form with them during the adoption process. If you are considering adoption, we invite you to attend one of our conferences, talk to some of our other families, and meet the staff and become part of our “family” too. We look forward to hearing from you and helping you with your adoption process.

Having a new baby in the home can be tiring and very overwhelming for any new parent. Many parents expecting a child will prepare themselves for being able to meet the needs of the baby once they are home from the hospital. Parents understand that babies cry but some do not realize that some babies will experience excessive crying during 8 to 12 weeks of life. Some babies will resist soothing, cry for more than 5 hours at a time, and will cry more in the evening. No one can be prepared for an overly fussy baby but here are some tips to help soothe your baby.

If your baby is crying, make sure you have met all of their needs first including feeding, burping, and changing your baby’s diaper.  If your baby is still crying try giving him/her a lukewarm bath, singing softly, or rocking. Sometimes white noise such as a vacuum cleaner, dishwasher, or sound machine will be soothing for your baby or the hum and rocking of the car will help so go for a drive. Having a support system that can come over and take a turn with your baby will give you a break as well.

It is important to know that if you have tried every soothing technique that you can and you have met all of your babies needs that this does not mean you are not a good parent. It can be very frustrating as a parent if you are unable to soothe your baby. If your baby is crying and you find yourself becoming increasingly upset, place your baby in a safe place such as his/her crib or bassinet and take a break in another room of the home. Never, ever, ever shake your baby.

Babies who cry excessively, premature babies, and special needs children are more at risk for Shaken Baby Syndrome. Shaking your baby can cause brain damage, blindness, severe learning and behavioral problems, seizures, deafness, and possible death. For more information on Shaken Baby Syndrome and additional tips on soothing your baby, visit the Period of Purple crying website.

A few weeks ago my four year old daughter and I attended a birthday party for one of her friends. When we arrived the kids had a bunch of different games, a moonwalk, putt putt golf and pedal bikes to choose from to play with. Then they loaded all the kids up first on a trackless train and then a hay ride and took them for a ride. There were many different animals to see, pony rides, and they topped the whole party off with a magic show. My daughter had so much fun and is still talking about this party.

Sound like fun? Think your kids would enjoy this place? You’re in luck. Family to Family decided to switch venues for our annual picnic this year to this fun-filled, kid-friendly place located inRichmond,Texas. As usual the picnic will be held the second Saturday in October and we booked the whole place from 10 am until 2 pm. Mark your calendars! Our annual picnic that we host every year is a great way to meet other adoptive families, to catch up with the staff and for your kids to have way too much fun. Come and join us at Hitchin Post Stables on Saturday, October 12, 2013. Bring lunch and snacks for your family. Family to Family will provide drinks and dessert and Hitchin Post will have snow cones and popcorn. Hope to see you there!

The title to this blog is an article that was released in this weeks paper of the Houston Chronicle. You can find it in the Fort Bend section. Our agency recently had our license amended to include foster care and foster to adopt. Our contract is pending and we are excited about starting up these new programs and offering this service in our local area. If you or anyone you know is interested in becoming a foster parent, please contact us. We are looking forward to providing safe and loving homes for children and making a difference in their lives even if it is just for a short time.

We are beginning our 11th year placing newborns with wonderful adoptive parents and as the children grow up, the questions and updates we receive from their parents are changing with the children’s developmental age.  We recently got an update from an adoptive mom who is wondering how much her cherished daughter looks like the birth mother….with time the picture of the biological mother in the mind’s eye of the adoptive mother is fading and she can’t quite bring it into focus now.  The adoptive mom states how much she regrets not getting pictures when she met the birth mother….but she didn’t  think about it at the time.

The process of meeting the birth family is such an emotional experience for  some families that even though we encourage them to keep their cameras handy, the family fails to take pictures.  You may never get another chance to preserve this information for your child. 

We encourage adoptive families  and birth families to develop a relationship during each and every moment they are together so that over time trust can build up.  The liklihood of the biological families staying in contact with you or the agency increases  the closer to each other you become.  We realize it is scary during this part of the process, but it is through that relationship as a new entity…the Extended Adoptive Family…that the real needs of the adoptive child can be met.  All adoptees want to know what their biological parents looked like and what dreams and wishes the biological parent had for them at placement.  You only get one chance to learn that information and even though you think you will never forget…..all experiences fade with age and you can’t quite bring it into focus anymore.  Please document each meeting with your child’s biological family members each time you meet and through out the process…..it may be the only chance you get to preserve that for your child.

We  recently received an email update from a former adoptive family to let us know they had moved to another state.  She recounted that the precocious 4 1/2 year old she adopted as a newborn through us is now the tallest in her class with a great sense of humor, a beautiful smile and loves to sing and dance.  In fact, when her Pre-K teacher recently asked the class what  they wanted to be when they grew up, she cheerfully replied that she wanted to be President of the United States and after that she wants to be a Ninja Turtle!

Which one would she be?

She was putting us on notice to watch for this bright little girl as a future President and to be on the watch for her political career!

We love to get updates from families because we can share in the joys and triumphs that these babies are experiencing in their  forever homes with their mommies and/or daddies.  These types of updates reinforce the staff and me for the next year’s work and show us that it is all worth it.

The dates have been set for 2013 for adoption conferences, adoptive parent trainings, and the annual adoptive family picnic.  Please check out our Events and Schedule page on our website to get those dates and times.  If you are interested in becoming a foster parent, please contact us for more information.

Many of our families ask us how to start teaching their children about adoption during the toddler years.  Introducing the idea of adoption to a younger child can be challenging.  We have found that one of the best ways to start this process is by reading children’s books about adoption to them.  Here are a few books that we recommend:

“I Wished for You” by Marianne Richmond

1.)    “I Wished for You – an adoption story” by Marianne Richmond

2.)    “God Found Us You” by Lisa Tawn Bergren

3.)    “A Mother for Choco” by Keiko Kasza

These books are entertaining for young children and also expose children to the excitement and benefits of adoption.  If you have a book that you read to your toddler about adoption, we would love to hear from you. Please feel free to comment and leave the name of the book and the author. Happy Reading!